Why have confidence in myself when I can be realistic and honest with myself?

Why is it that in everything I do that I ever have any sort of confidence in (which recently -- like in the past 2 years -- has amounted to a grand total of two things), whenever I get even the slightest amount of confidence, I realise something that, upon realising it, brings my confidence back down to zero where it belongs? I want to have confidence that I'm actually good for something and that I actually am NOT below average at literally everything I ever set out to do, but until I can actually prove that I'm good for something and that I'm not below average at literally everything by actually being good at something, I find it hard to believe that I am good for/at anything.

Besides, the idea of me returning to Japan for long enough to become fluent in Japanese is a joke because there are no jobs left there, and there won't be unless it becomes unpopular because even if there is another school that becomes that wide-scale, people who are better than me will get the jobs instead, just as they had before the NOVA disaster. (All the other jobs that don't require being at the right place at the right time -- in other words, luck, which I clearly do not have -- require me to be fluent in Japanese, and given that the only resource I have as far as conversation goes is me, that's not gonna happen.) Seriously, the entire reason I bothered with Korea is gone, so I basically wasted 5 months being picked on in Korea for nothing, a fact that makes me incredibly angry; I don't know who to be angry at other than the people of Korea who did that to me, but I am angry that all that struggle was just a humongous waste because not only did what I was hoping to get out of it slip out of my reach for good but NOTHING good came out of it at all! The ONLY thing I gained from that entire experience is the undeniable FACT that I am horribly fat and ugly, and that's it. (Being ugly is ANOTHER strike against me, because if you're good-looking, at least you can compensate for a lack of being good at/for anything else, something that someone who's ugly such as myself if pretty much every single person I met in Korea isn't wrong, unfortunately, can't do, not in this society.) Voice acting I'm also about to say is impossible; I'm not going to officially declare that dead until AFTER I crash and burn at Anime Expo (and that WILL happen, considering my lousy skill level, unless some sort of sort of humongous miracle or something ends up happening), but the fact is, with how far I've slipped when it comes to talent these past few months, I don't stand a chance considering, why would someone hire me for a voice acting role when they could have just gotten someone who's actually, you know, good, something that over these past few months I have really started slipping below? After all, in what way can I even consider myself good at something if everyone else is so much better than me at it, meaning I'm among the worst? It all depends on how things go there, because if it turns out I still suck then and crash and burn at that point, then both of my dreams are gone, leaving just "getting some job I don't like just to get some money to make ends meet" until I retire, leaving no reason for me to even bother trying in life, because there's nothing for me to aim for or look forward to if that's the best I can do. I wish I could do SOMETHING well enough that I have reason to believe there is a future for me.

You who's reading this, be happy, because you are my better.