Epic fail

For the second time this week, I managed to end up in a ditch. This time, it was made even worse with a police officer giving me a $200 ticket because I couldn't control my vehicle. This, of course, brings my debt up to roughly $5000.

I really now wish that I would just disappear from this world, preferably for good; that's the only way that this is going to stop happening, and really, I contribute nothing of value to this world anyway -- just a bunch of below-average voice acting that maybe 2 or 3 people actually like. You'd all be better off if I were to just disappear. Not like there's any other release from the ever-increasing mound of troubles. In fact, things would be better if I was never born, and I do seriously wish that I hadn't been born.

In before: It's A Wonderful Life. Not even a guardian angel would be able to find a damn thing.
In before: Don't kill yourself! I'm not THAT desperate to disappear that I'd purposely kill myself.

This experiment I call living is a tremendous failure.

Lesson learned

I have not been able to get myself out of this deep feeling of sadness and hopelessness ever since I found out that, just like what happened in 2007 with being able to stay in Japan long-term, right when I had professional voice acting RIGHT IN MY HANDS, a third party managed to screw it up, and I once again ended up with nothing but disappointment. This always happens: whenever I get close to achieving my dreams, I have to watch them collapse right in front of my face. I have come to the conclusion that I am going to be an office stiff the entire rest of my life, and if that's the case, I hope the entire rest of my life is damn short; I don't want to deal with 50 more years of failing to achieve my goals because of other people's screw-ups, and I don't want to retire 50 years from now only to look back and see all the good stuff was before my 24th birthday. I'd rather die young than live the rest of my life that way. What I got was not even close to worth the effort, and every day that goes by it seems more and more like there's just no reason for me to bother even pursuing anything. I am not going to find happiness in life, because whenever I think I have it, it's taken away from me at the last second. Everything I want to do with my life will forever remain just a hobby, and my dreams will never come true. They were not meant for me. Failure was meant for me.

Everyone else had damn well better succeed in life, because I am going to be living out my failed dreams through you -- yes, you, the one reading this right now. It's the best I'm ever going to do.

I have learned my lesson. I was not meant to succeed. I was meant to try hard only to fail.

I forgot to mention ...

I managed to become a voice actor ^_^ Even though I didn't win the contest at Anime Expo, I still managed to win a contest where the prize is basically, along with a $50 gift card, I get to do the voice work for the company's promos and phones and stuff. The recording's finished for now; they've just gotta iron out the bugs, and my voice will be heard internationally! Stay tuned for more details.

Not worth the effort

I know I haven't updated this in a long time, but there's a good reason.

Life has been more or less dull, and there's been pretty much nothing worth writing about, so it's been pointless.

I have a desk job now (office work isn't a career type that I'd want to do for the rest of my life, but it pays the bills for now), but it seems like after all the hard work, abuse and struggling I had to put up with, clerical/office work is the best I'm ever going to do. (Don't get me wrong -- I am grateful that I at least have a job; it's just that the line of work -- office work/business -- is not something that would satisfy me as a career.) Thanks to NOVA English Schools (I hope the masterminds behind their abysmal business practices die in a brutal, horrible manner. There are no words to describe how much I wish a inhumanly painful and bloody death on them.), my Japan dream is over. There are no jobs left that don't require fluency or an EXISTING work visa, so Japan is just a memory for me. Between that and the fact that voice acting is a damn near impossible industry to get into, and even if it wasn't, I live in a part of the country where there's no opportunities to be found, and by the time I have saved up the money to move the anime companies will probably have switched to sub-only and won't be looking for more VA's, it looks like I'd better get used to a boring, lifeless and unfulfilling rest of my life.

To top it all off, my search for a conversation partner for Japanese could not possibly be going worse. Every single person who I have asked has either
1. turned me down
2. disappeared the day after
3. became unavailable the day after, or
4. has decided to completely ignore me (though he might not have been gotten my e-mails, but he seems to be ignoring my co-worker who's trying to ask him to help me as well)
In the past nine months, I have had a grand total of THREE conversations in Japanese. As a result, my Japanese speaking ability has taken a humongous nose dive. Nine months ago, I could hold a 90-minute conversation in Japanese easily. Now, I can't even string together a sentence that makes even one bit of sense to a Japanese speaker. It's not gonna get any better all by myself. People keep suggesting the same things: listening to tapes, watching anime in Japanese, etc., but the trouble is that those things hone a completely different skill -- listening and speaking are two completely different skills, and both are essential to becoming fluent, which I will need to be if I ever want any hope of going back to Japan. Without both, as well as writing and reading, I cannot be considered fluent in or even good at or even competent in Japanese. However, with no conversation partner, all I have is myself, and I can neither carry on a conversation with myself nor check my usage or grammar. If things don't change pretty damn soon, I am going to be monolingual by January of next year, and once I become monolingual, I am completely worthless, as I have nothing to contribute to this world.

I am planning on going to Anime Expo. That's my last hurrah for anything exciting in my life unless I win the competition. If I don't win, there's nothing left that's even worth experiencing, nothing left that's worth fighting for, nothing to look forward to in the future and no reason for me to even exist anymore.

As of July 9th of this year, there will be nothing ahead; just a bunch of fond memories. With the only things that could bring me to a future I like that I don't completely suck at being voice acting and a steadily deteriorating knowledge of Japanese (and no one to help me who's ever actually there and doesn't constantly blow me off, meaning there's no reversing that), and voice acting being damn near impossible to break into and Japan having no jobs left that don't require fluent Japanese (teaching is out of the picture now for those with no pre-existing work visa, which requires a job already in progress to have), there's nothing left for me to pursue other then a miserable life that's, quite frankly, just not worth it. My dreams are all dead. There's no point in me even bothering putting forth any effort with this tilting-at-windmills existence anymore. As always, I'm not gonna kill myself, and I don't want anyone else to, but there's no point in putting forth any more effort. A boring, tedious life is not worth the effort that I have put forth, and it's not worth putting forth any effort to attain. Besides, if I'm no longer good at Japanese, I am completely useless, and there is no need for me. I have outlasted every last bit of usefulness I had, and I have become completely unnecessary everywhere I go.

I'm ready to just give up. The future that's ahead of me is just not worth the effort.

Why have confidence in myself when I can be realistic and honest with myself?

Why is it that in everything I do that I ever have any sort of confidence in (which recently -- like in the past 2 years -- has amounted to a grand total of two things), whenever I get even the slightest amount of confidence, I realise something that, upon realising it, brings my confidence back down to zero where it belongs? I want to have confidence that I'm actually good for something and that I actually am NOT below average at literally everything I ever set out to do, but until I can actually prove that I'm good for something and that I'm not below average at literally everything by actually being good at something, I find it hard to believe that I am good for/at anything.

Besides, the idea of me returning to Japan for long enough to become fluent in Japanese is a joke because there are no jobs left there, and there won't be unless it becomes unpopular because even if there is another school that becomes that wide-scale, people who are better than me will get the jobs instead, just as they had before the NOVA disaster. (All the other jobs that don't require being at the right place at the right time -- in other words, luck, which I clearly do not have -- require me to be fluent in Japanese, and given that the only resource I have as far as conversation goes is me, that's not gonna happen.) Seriously, the entire reason I bothered with Korea is gone, so I basically wasted 5 months being picked on in Korea for nothing, a fact that makes me incredibly angry; I don't know who to be angry at other than the people of Korea who did that to me, but I am angry that all that struggle was just a humongous waste because not only did what I was hoping to get out of it slip out of my reach for good but NOTHING good came out of it at all! The ONLY thing I gained from that entire experience is the undeniable FACT that I am horribly fat and ugly, and that's it. (Being ugly is ANOTHER strike against me, because if you're good-looking, at least you can compensate for a lack of being good at/for anything else, something that someone who's ugly such as myself if pretty much every single person I met in Korea isn't wrong, unfortunately, can't do, not in this society.) Voice acting I'm also about to say is impossible; I'm not going to officially declare that dead until AFTER I crash and burn at Anime Expo (and that WILL happen, considering my lousy skill level, unless some sort of sort of humongous miracle or something ends up happening), but the fact is, with how far I've slipped when it comes to talent these past few months, I don't stand a chance considering, why would someone hire me for a voice acting role when they could have just gotten someone who's actually, you know, good, something that over these past few months I have really started slipping below? After all, in what way can I even consider myself good at something if everyone else is so much better than me at it, meaning I'm among the worst? It all depends on how things go there, because if it turns out I still suck then and crash and burn at that point, then both of my dreams are gone, leaving just "getting some job I don't like just to get some money to make ends meet" until I retire, leaving no reason for me to even bother trying in life, because there's nothing for me to aim for or look forward to if that's the best I can do. I wish I could do SOMETHING well enough that I have reason to believe there is a future for me.

You who's reading this, be happy, because you are my better.