Why have confidence in myself when I can be realistic and honest with myself?

Why is it that in everything I do that I ever have any sort of confidence in (which recently -- like in the past 2 years -- has amounted to a grand total of two things), whenever I get even the slightest amount of confidence, I realise something that, upon realising it, brings my confidence back down to zero where it belongs? I want to have confidence that I'm actually good for something and that I actually am NOT below average at literally everything I ever set out to do, but until I can actually prove that I'm good for something and that I'm not below average at literally everything by actually being good at something, I find it hard to believe that I am good for/at anything.

Besides, the idea of me returning to Japan for long enough to become fluent in Japanese is a joke because there are no jobs left there, and there won't be unless it becomes unpopular because even if there is another school that becomes that wide-scale, people who are better than me will get the jobs instead, just as they had before the NOVA disaster. (All the other jobs that don't require being at the right place at the right time -- in other words, luck, which I clearly do not have -- require me to be fluent in Japanese, and given that the only resource I have as far as conversation goes is me, that's not gonna happen.) Seriously, the entire reason I bothered with Korea is gone, so I basically wasted 5 months being picked on in Korea for nothing, a fact that makes me incredibly angry; I don't know who to be angry at other than the people of Korea who did that to me, but I am angry that all that struggle was just a humongous waste because not only did what I was hoping to get out of it slip out of my reach for good but NOTHING good came out of it at all! The ONLY thing I gained from that entire experience is the undeniable FACT that I am horribly fat and ugly, and that's it. (Being ugly is ANOTHER strike against me, because if you're good-looking, at least you can compensate for a lack of being good at/for anything else, something that someone who's ugly such as myself if pretty much every single person I met in Korea isn't wrong, unfortunately, can't do, not in this society.) Voice acting I'm also about to say is impossible; I'm not going to officially declare that dead until AFTER I crash and burn at Anime Expo (and that WILL happen, considering my lousy skill level, unless some sort of sort of humongous miracle or something ends up happening), but the fact is, with how far I've slipped when it comes to talent these past few months, I don't stand a chance considering, why would someone hire me for a voice acting role when they could have just gotten someone who's actually, you know, good, something that over these past few months I have really started slipping below? After all, in what way can I even consider myself good at something if everyone else is so much better than me at it, meaning I'm among the worst? It all depends on how things go there, because if it turns out I still suck then and crash and burn at that point, then both of my dreams are gone, leaving just "getting some job I don't like just to get some money to make ends meet" until I retire, leaving no reason for me to even bother trying in life, because there's nothing for me to aim for or look forward to if that's the best I can do. I wish I could do SOMETHING well enough that I have reason to believe there is a future for me.

You who's reading this, be happy, because you are my better.

2007: A Year Truly Worth Forgetting

What can I say about 2007, other than it was a year like no other ... I'll ever experience in my entire life, I hope? I wish I was able to participate in the traditional Japanese "forget-the-year" festivities, but it looks like I'm gonna have to remember and live with what had happened this year indefinitely.

First of all, what the hell did I go through what I went through in Korea for? Why did I have to endure so much flat-out abuse, torment and absolute hatred that I spent most of my days there literally wishing I was dead? I had THOUGHT that it was to get experience so that I could go teach in Japan. Did that happen? No! NOVA just HAD to collapse, and I just HAD to be screwed out of a job at the same time. Good-bye, Japan, forever (other than maybe a vacation), because there's no other way in for a long period of time unless you're fluent in Japanese. That's not gonna happen here. What that means is that I went through all that for nothing. I suffered so much, but no good came out of it at all. What an incredible waste. It wasn't worth the effort and the abuse.

Then, the thing that happened in Japan itself. I came SO CLOSE to finally managing to find a future I could be happy with, and then it just HAD to be yanked away from me, leaving me without a future. (Before anyone suggests I apply for JET, AEON, GEOS or any of those other school chains, I have tried each and every one, and not only did I fail interviews with them, but also there are no more full-time teaching positions remaining in Japan for someone who does not already have a valid work visa, and given I'm unemployed and in America, it's pretty obvious that I do not have one.) People have been suggesting that I try voice acting. I'd love to do that. I'd pursue it like there was no tomorrow if it was possible. But, there's just one HUGE problem that absolutely kills that. Nevermind that I have no connections. I could be close personal friends with every single voice actor and every single person in the industry on the face of the Earth, and it'd still be an unattainable goal, considering I live in the middle of Wisconsin, over 800 miles from the nearest voice acting job market, and chances are my voice will have matured to the point that it is unusable in voice acting by the time I am in any position to move. So much for that. As for plan C, I ask, what plan C? Remaining a part-time job hopper? Being unemployed? Spending every day until I retire knowing that the best is behind and ending up with some crappy, thankless job that I hate doing and then coming home to the same old boring rut? Because unless things seriously fall into place soon, that's what my future holds. Unless there's something even better, than I'm probably never going to be truly happy again if I have to settle for such a fate as plan C.

There are only 17 hours left for 2007 to redeem itself. I doubt it's gonna happen, given all the catching up it has to do. It would take a miracle to salvage this year. When it all comes down to it, if I were to give this year a grade, the best it would get is a D-, but it would more than likely get an F. Any year in which I have to watch as my dreams crumble right before my eyes, leaving me no good options that could lead me to a bright future, the bright future I had worked so hard to try to achieve but is now completely unattainable, doesn't deserve a passing grade in my book.

I can't wait for the new year so that I can put this awful year behind me and hope that in 2008, SOMETHING comes along so that I have something to aim for in life.

A lack of hidden fees isn't enough to make it joyous

Chrismahanukwanzakah is tomorrow, and I just can't seem to get myself out of this sadness ... I'm just heading absolutely nowhere in life. I don't have the talent in any aspect to do anything well enough to gain a decent future, and 2007 has been by far the single worst year of my entire life. Any year that involves me having to take constant abuse for 5 whole months straight and then getting SO CLOSE to finally achieving my dreams only to have had them crushed right before my eyes and then topping it all off with being fired from a CASHIER'S position after only THREE WEEKS can only be classified as a disaster and a total loss, and I've given up on any hope that it's going to end on a positive note, since nothing can turn around this absolutely horrible year other than a miracle, and with just half a month left, I'm not holding my breath. The only good thing that happened in 2007 really was that I got to go to Japan for the last time in my entire life, and all I have to show for my struggle is $1700 worth of debt that I have no way to pay off and a wish that I had never even been put on this Earth. That and a complete lack of any path that I can possibly take now that I'll never become fluent in Japanese (it's not gonna happen in America, and to be in Japan long enough to become fluent, I've gotta get a job there first, which now is impossible without fluency in Japanese) and I live somewhere where the only other thing I don't suck at (voice acting) has no market available, leaving me with literally no options as far as me going anywhere in life. I know I have said this before, but I am positive that the best is behind. There are very few ways that 2008 can be worse than 2007, but I'm not holding my breath for it or any other year in the future to provide something even better than what's already in the past. I'm probably going to spend the rest of my life not satisfied, having come so close to fulfilling my dreams only to have them suddenly become impossible, and never finding anything better or as good, knowing that my peak is in the past already at the tender age of 23. The best is already over; what's left to aim for? What's left to motivate me? What can I even work towards now? I don't have anything to even go towards, no path for me. There is literally nowhere I belong in this world and nothing I belong doing. There is no place for me in the world.

Santa, I know that you're just a trademark of the Coca-Cola Company, but do you think that you could maybe lay a decent future for me under the tree, or at the very least the means to get one and some actual evidence that I actually DO have something that's as good as or better than what's in my past ahead of me?

Holiday cheer, how I desperately search for you ...

This past month and a half, I've felt like absolute garbage. I want to be happy, especially since it's the holiday season (my favourite time of the year, even), but I just can't seem to dig myself out of this incredible feeling of sadness I've felt after seeing my future and my dreams collapse before my eyes. I still don't see any sort of future ahead of me, and even worse, my hopes of going back to Japan for more than just a vacation have been pretty much dashed, since there isn't any way for me to continue to study the language anymore since I've exhausted all the classes that are available, and I can't practise with anyone since no one else I know speaks Japanese well enough for me to do so, leaving me struggling to keep it on life support. With that gone, I don't think there's even anything that's ahead of me that can hold a candle to what I have experienced already. I just wish I could find some sort of hope ...

This Christmas, I am asking for a good future to be ahead of me -- something I can look ahead to in life. Right now, it seems like the best is behind me, and there's nothing ahead of me to look to in the future.

Two days ...

"Barring some tragic problem, the dream will finally happen." (Written on August 24 on this blog)

I think that not being able to find a job due to numerous circumstances qualifies as a "tragic problem."

The crappy part of my life begins in 2 days, and the peak in my life has for sure passed. Nothing exciting enough to top or even match what I experienced when I was 20 can happen in the middle of nowhere in America while doing just an "I'm doing this to make ends meet" type of job until I retire or get let go.

I've gotta figure out how to change the domain name of this blog. Great Teacher Inuzuka is finished forever. It's all over. I cannot be a teacher in Japan now because now that one of the biggest chains of English schools in Japan collapsed, the market is permanently flooded with people who already have work visas, meaning that it is impossible for me to break into it. I just wish I had the skills and means to do another sort of job that could 1- lead me to Japan, and 2- make me feel like 23 years of hard work was actually worth it.

I learned an important lesson today

It all ended today. The years of effort I put into trying to achieve my dream of being a teacher in Japan have officially gone to waste. My "long shot" -- the last chance that I had to get a job here (aside from the interview that even the interviewer considers a long shot), has decided that rather than hiring me, they're going to keep their troublemaking current teacher. So, with only four days left in Japan and only a long shot standing between me and never being able to return to Japan for more than just a short trip, I think it's pretty safe to say that it's all over now. Years and years of struggle have only left me with memories, memories that will never return. My life peaked at 20; I don't see how, without returning to Japan long-term, I can possibly top what I experienced then. That means my life is already on the decline -- another 60-something years of just slow decline, without anything that can even hold a candle to what I experienced when I was 20 ahead of me.

I have learned a valuable lesson from all this struggle. In the seven months I have put forth my best effort to attain a dream, I have learned one thing. Effort gets you NOWHERE. It's not worth it to put forth your best effort because luck, not effort, determines your fate. I've been lied to my whole life; people have constantly told me that if I work hard I will achieve my dreams. That's a lie. If it was the truth, these seven months would have been worth more than some (for the most part, especially in Korea) lousy memories. The way to achieve dreams is through having good luck on your side. Unfortunately, with luck not on my side, my dreams are completely unachievable. I'd better get ready for a relatively lousy life, 'cos a dull, nothing-to-aim-for life is exactly what 23 years of doing everything the hard way has earned me.

I never thought I'd have to write a C&D letter to Lady Luck (not that I can take any action against a metaphorical character), but ...

Dear Lady Luck,

Lately, there have been a few things that you've been doing constantly that have been really getting on my nerves. Therefore, I ask that you stop or at least take it easy on the following four things:

1. Adding "there's a catch" to practically every good thing that comes my way. There are few enough good things that happen to me as it is. Do the few good things that happen to me REALLY need to be diluted with something bad ?!
2. Adding ridiculously high levels of difficulty to literally everything in my life. Things are hard enough without always putting unnecessary roadblocks in my way whenever I try to do anything, from the big things in life to even the smallest tasks.
3. Giving me horrible strokes of luck that really would pretty much never happen to anyone else but still happen to me (losing that job due to an administrative error, for example). Those need to completely vanish immediately. I'm thoroughly sick of those in particular.
4. Making me pay for other people's mistakes. I already have to pay when I make mistakes. Why is it that I always have to be the scapegoat when others make mistakes as well? I've had it with having to take the fall for everyone else all the time.

I want to actually be happy in life, but these two things constantly seem to happen, and it is making it very difficult to enjoy life and actually be happy. Please, knock it off.

Sincerely,
Shintarou Inuzuka

P.S. Give me my hopes and dreams back -- WITHOUT adding the usual ridiculously high level of difficulty -- and I mean NOW. Not after I've already settled down and it's too late. Not after years of having to go through more of these ridiculous roadblocks. Not after more circumstances in which it seems like I finally achieved my goals only to find out that a mistake someone else made ruined the whole thing. I mean RIGHT NOW. I'm serious. I want them back THIS INSTANT. No more hurdles. No more roadblocks. Just give me what I have worked already way too hard to achieve without forcing me to go through even more of this garbage. I've had enough.